we're only young once..... lets fuck it up right

Sometimes

2010-06-08T23:52:00.000-07:00

Sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night with a start and i roll over and see his face and wonder how the hell i got so lucky. i wonder how i got her. How i went from the girl that had a long string of shitty relationships for years. i am so lucky....

However i show up to work and and i love my job, but the people there treat me like shit. Well not technically they act "nice" but that fake kind of nice where they are nice to me then act like a bitch behind my back. making remarks i think the thing that pisses me off the most is fine you wanna pretend to like me because we work together. yet, you walk three feet away and make bitchy comments in front of patients. So god damn unprofessional.

Ugh how could my life be so awesome and fucking horrible at the same time.

"Awkward moments define me. I'd sleep all day if I could. I lack the capability to keep my mouth closed.
Yeah, everyone has bad days, I just have more frequent ones.
If you don't like me, don't act like you do; it really won't offend me.
I've made mistakes, I've let people take advantage of me, and I have accepted way less than I deserve."

Those moments.

2009-08-12T13:52:00.000-07:00

You know when you are going along in your life all happy, and if not hapy then just content. Then all of a sudden a song comes on the radio, but not just any song, their song. You know how when you are in love with someone, and you can find that one song that just fits exactly how you feel. That song that is basically your heart on a platter. and up until that point you were not happy with things ending, but you were ok with it. You are ok with the fact that you are not together and you are not meant to be.
Then that stupid song comes on the radio, and in a spilt sec you are thrown right back in the middle of it. Like you remember exactly how thing were and exactly how many nights you spent crying and exactly how it felt to be uncortrollably in love with them. Its like someone just cut you back open and threw salt on your wounds, and the song ends and you are stuck with that feeling, for a good while after.

Well yeah....I fucking hate those moments.

2009-07-14T12:05:00.000-07:00

"I don't remember who met who first, or who fell in love with who first. All I remember is the seven of us always together. "

This is always how i felt about my group of four friends. but the time has come when ...we are not friends anymore. WE have either slowly drifted apart or have cut all ties. I used to feel like i was apart of soemthing so much bigger that no matter what happens i had these three people that i was connected to .........but now that connection is gone.

Kirby: I always thought we'd be friends forever.
Kevin: Yeah, well forever got a lot shorter all of a sudden.

2009-05-22T20:32:00.000-07:00

It's kinda funny that the one person that fought so hard to make me have faith in people would soon there after turn my life upside down and hurt me so badly...yet he made me gain faith in people and more importantly he made me gain faith in myself. in who i am becoming and where i have been.

this growing up thing is hard.....but it sure is fun.

Your kiss

2009-02-09T22:19:00.000-08:00

Your kiss moved my world...it made it all ..fit.

Now what?

do we pretend that it never happened like when you kissed me it felt like everything was ...right.
Like eventually i could be happy and not have to try so hard to be happy.

i love you, i just figured it out.....why won't you love me back

Have you ever thought about ?

2009-02-01T20:02:00.001-08:00

How many times you have seen a friend for the last and not realized that it was the last time. you never get to say good bye to them. You never get closer. one day you think of them and realize that you will never see them again. Maybe they live in a different state then you maybe you don't have there number anymore, maybe it's just been to long. So many missed moments. However at the same time do you think you would want to know this, you would constantly be saying goodbye.

They got married

2009-01-21T22:36:00.000-08:00

THEY GOT MARRIED.
i can't believe they actually went through with it.

i can't believe it didn't fall apart.

RAWR

2009-01-19T21:05:00.001-08:00

Choices

2009-01-19T19:20:00.000-08:00

So i was thinking today, that its the big moments that make you. your first, your first kiss, you first relationship, Your first time. i realized its really sad that one day when i have a little girl, and we sit down and talk about sex......well my stories will suck. It makes me sad. I just realized that your whole life is a long time to live with bad choices.

I just want to be able to look back and be proud of most of the choices i have made.

Its just sad is all.

2009-01-18T23:44:00.001-08:00

The song

2009-01-18T23:16:00.000-08:00

i have a habit of designating a song to certain guys and i kinda wanted to make a list

Seth-Pieces of me
Colin- Michelle Branch - Desperately
Alex- Chasing cars-Snow patrol
Boston- Augustana
Tim - Getting into you -Reliant k
How far- Martina Mcbride
(Who knew-pink)
Andrew- Fucking boyfriend- the birds and the bees
perhaps perhaps perhaps -cake
Rockstar-nickleback
who i am hates who I've been-Relient k
Jordon- Chemistry of a car crash
Topher- Run to you
Rock It Till You Drop It-fefe dobson
Darrell - Kiss me-
Leave the Pieces - the wreckers
What ever the 30 sec loop on big fish is
-- ~Bleeding love - Leonna Lewis
Just so you know-Jesse Mccartney
Shaun - Dashboard Hands down
Avril Lavigne - I can do better
Will- Dancing in the moonlight
S- Here in your arms -Hellogoodbye

Funeral for a friend

2009-01-17T19:27:00.000-08:00

Your silence speaks
Leaps and Bounds more then
Your words ever did.

The silence Screams the truth
The words you, yourself
could never say

I am drowning on dry land.
all i ever wanted
was an S.O.S call
but there was nothing
Nothing more then radio silence

I am drowning on dry land
With no one coming to save me.
I hope at least
you can be fake enough
to go to the funeral

You can stand amongst
My fair weather friends
Crying your eyes out
And say how
"I wish I had done more."

Don't worry my fair friend
You will never have
to go to my funeral
Nothing has died
expect our friendship.

Perfect

2009-01-04T07:48:00.000-08:00

"So there's this boy, we argue a lot. He makes fun of me because
I can only stay on a subject for like 5 seconds and them I'm on to
the next one. He listens to me when I'm sad and handles me when
I'm mad. I tell him I hate him and he responds with, "no you don't."
Yeah he's not prince charming, but to me he couldn't be more perfect."

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It's perfectly Imperfect.

Thank you.

Fight for me

2008-12-16T19:49:00.000-08:00

Fight for me ...please.

So sick

2008-12-12T23:17:00.000-08:00

I AM SO SICK OF YOU MAKING YOURSELF THE VICTIM.
YOU ARE NOT THE VICTIM.

YOU ARE THE CAUSE OF THE DRAMA.

you chose chose to not be a part of my life so get fucking used to ti. i was nice to you even after i heard all the things you said about me.

you are a horrible person. that is plain and simple. and i am so sick of you being a part of my life. i cut you out of it so stay out of it

Hospital gowns are very stylish

2008-10-29T07:12:00.000-07:00

That's a lie they are so not, and they are very breezy in the back to...slightly awkward. Just as awkward as say sitting next a cute guy in the e.r. and then your dad showing up and talking about you going the bathroom. Fun times at Brockton hospital! Now i am trying to get a hold of the doctor i have to go to and they are not seeing people until like 2 weeks from now. To moral of the story ....fuck my life. I am just tired and sick. I am gonna go back to bed.

mutual addiction

2008-10-17T22:03:00.001-07:00

I sat down today like i eventually always do and decide what i want. This was prompted by my ex boyfriend dumping his girlfriend less then 24 hours after i told him that he had a girl friend and i wouldn't do anything with him.

And i found this quote and i decide that i just want someone that wants me that cares enough to call and that wants to have those dumb convos with me. i want someone that i don;t feel like i am bothering when i call them. I want someone to cuddle with.....someone to love and love me back

What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.
( Chuck Palahniuk )

So I start a fight cause I need to feel something And you do what you want cause I'm not what you wanted

2008-09-25T11:18:00.000-07:00

Meredith: It’s over. You can all go home now. It’s over. So over.

I was wrong to hope, i should have known that hoping was a bad idea. when you have hope then 9 out of ten times it gets crushed. I hoped we would work it out i hoped winter would come around and he would miss me. I don't even know why i hoped for it because we were so friggen' dysfunctional together. Maybe its because life is dysfunctional and i liked what we had in the beginning it was cute and friendly. But who am i kidding....we were never more then friends who tried to pretend there was a spark. However, there wasn't there was no spark there was empty kisses and at the end we were just on the way to hating each other we couldn't even stand talking to each other. But i am saying goodbye....make her happy.

L-o-v-e's just another word I never learned to pronounce

2008-09-16T19:58:00.000-07:00

i have been really happy recently. i feel like i am finally reaching that point where i can accept the bad things but not dwell over them. To be completely honest i am happy but a little lonely. Have you ever noticed that sometimes even you don't exactly know what you are feeling. But then you realize you have been listening to songs about ________(insert feeling here). Music is like therapy it helps you realize whats really going on in your heart. I just don't want to fell alone. It's kinda like when you see a beautiful sunset and you look beside you expecting someone to be there, yet there isn't so no one will know how beautiful it was. My life is like that i want to share it with someone.

2008-08-19T10:33:00.001-07:00

She wanted something else, something different, something more.. Passion and romance, perhaps, or maybe quiet conversations in candlelit rooms or perhaps something as simple as not being second..

Romance???

2008-07-12T14:33:00.001-07:00

I have been thinking. That romance is not what we think it is. It is not that cookie cutter romance, the fairy tails or the cinematic moments. Real life romance is different. It the fact that he asks for your birthday off to spend it with you. Its not that he spends all his time telling you that you are beautiful its that you know thats what he think when he looks at you because you can see it in his eyes. Its not that you are "perfect" for each other its the fact that you enable him to do dumb things.It when you tell him he is being a pain in the ass and he tells you when you are being dumb. It's that despite you tell each other these things neither of you are really hurt by them. Its the fact that he was willing to spend the day with your friends and hold your hand all day. Its that when he decides that he wants to jump of the giant stream at the mini golf place, you are the one that he wants to watch.

I think really romance is the little things. That you are willing to just listen what he has to say or share your drink. Thats real romance not the cinematic moment that we all think about.

At the end of the day, I only want you

2008-07-04T02:08:00.000-07:00

Its the first time in a really long time i have just been happy. he makes me so happy. I went to visit him at work today. And he knew i was coming, well not really but he could guess. I walked up and waited for him to notice i was there and he looked up and got a huge grin on his face and his eyes lite up. I waited for him to get out of work. It was so cute, he was so excited to tell me that he actually got my birthday off. I just love seeing him. Literally i leave him and miss him already.

i went to my favorite place tonight. the beach at night. you know that place....were the rest of the world just doesn't exists anymore. Were you mind goes quite for the first time in forever and you just listen to the sounds around you. That place that just puts you at peace.
well the beach at night is that place for me

a well wisher with the worst intentions

2008-04-10T22:36:00.000-07:00

SO i doubt anyone will ever care enough to read this but i made this blog because i want a place that i can write my inner thoughts and turmoils. I had a live journal once but it got to the point were my friends knew about it and they would read it to see why i was upset which i get. but sometime you just want to not tell them certain things. So this is me i have only been in love once and half i guess and no one has ever loved me idk my life is chaotic but i love it kinda